Thursday, April 15, 2010


yes, just "if."

I am in awe of my own life right now. I have been crying a lot lately. Not because I am sad. Because of all that is good in it. The things that I have been able to do. The people that have come into my strange, and oft times bizarre, life.

I was looking through some pictures and sharing stories with a dear friend yesterday. Many of the things she talked of, were things that I did not remember, due to health issues. I lost eleven years. ELEVEN FRICKIN' YEARS. My kids' growing years. Gone. As if they never existed. In and out of hospitals as many of you are in and out of the grocery store. Angry. Heck yeah, I am angry. And sad. But all those years lost have taught me so very much. I appreciate. I appreciate and welcome, with open arms, each opportunity. Each person that comes into my world. Each animal that shares my arms. Shares my tears. I am an emotional wreck.

The bad has made a shift in the past couple of years. It is as if the stars are aligning for me. My need to give of my heart has led down so many interesting paths. So many new amputees between the war, disease, and natural disasters. It breaks my heart. It also forces me out of hiding in an effort to reassure the "newbies" that all will be well. I reap the benefits in technology. I reap the benefits in terms of reclaiming my own body. I cannot give of myself enough. But I will continue to try. I will continue to push this old body as if I can truly reclaim those lost eleven years.

I can only be me. Because of that, I must be the best me I can be. I don't try to sugar coat anything. What you see is what you get. There is no time for "games." There is no time to sit around and throw pity parties. My life is not all laughter and fun, but focus on the laughter and fun makes the rough edges a bit easier to handle. Some days it is a struggle to get out of bed and put on the leg. Then I look at my smiling dogs.

Corgis. Not a breed for everyone, but a breed that has saved, no given me, my life. I have always had dogs. But it took me 56 years to find my breed. It is an odd thing; what these little dwarf dogs have done for me. Destiny? Perhaps. They have taught me so much, because they have given me so much. A new world has opened. It will be interesting to see what is down this path. I feel like such a baby. So much to see, so much to learn.

I have been awake all night. My brain won't shut up. I am going to put in a couple of miles on the treadmill and try to sort through all of this...

You rock!! (And you know who you are.)



Kira said...

Well said mom, people ask me why my mom had decided to walk 60 miles with me and then do a triathalon and my response is "she wasn't able to do it before because of her health and not she is trying out everything". You rock! :)

Debbie S. said...

You inspire me to want to be a better person, to be more "alive", to be more "thought"-ful. Thank you for sharing your insights.