As I sit at this keyboard I ponder the meaning of life, and where I want to "be" at this point in mine. Despite the struggles, and the pain (both physically and mentally) I believe I am right where I want to be. For me to really experience life I need to be challenged physically. I find myself stalling out when I don't start my day with a physical challenge. It might be something as minor as raking the pasture for a set time. Or it might be something as big as this 60 mile walk thing. I seem to really need that carrot. I could care less if others cheer me on. I could care less if anyone is in awe of anything I do. It is all for myself.
Sometimes when I see how many read this blog I get uncomfortable and think of going private. As goofy as I can get at times, this writing helps me to get "centered." I can begin to process what needs to be done, or how I want to get those things integrated into my day. I am often as a small child; in awe of my world, and all that it contains. I am able to walk out my door and hear the herons nesting, the eagles hunting, the ferry coming and going. I think of all that I would have missed had I just "let go" those few years ago.
Perhaps I am trying to prove something to myself? I haven't a clue. Am I being rewarded for the trials? Again, not mine to know.
I have people that call to "talk." More and more I am finding nothing in common with many. I suppose there is a small part of me that is still hanging in the negative thing. You know, fear, dread, worry, etc. Many people my age get in a funk as they start seeing friends leave, pass on, oh for heavens sake, just say DIE. The economy is bad, gun violence is every where. Hurt and angry kids injure themselves or others around them. Movies and video games leave very little to the imagination. etc, etc, etc. If I were to sit and take the time to really think on all of that I suppose it might change my attitude a bit. The thing is: I don't feel I have the time to spare on negative. Sure I dabble in self pity at times. I get lonesome and sad at times. I get really angry as well. For the most part I am able to pull my self out of it fairly quickly, thank goodness. I was given the gift of life. I think that gift also included one of those cards that are so stupid that you can't stop laughing. It follows me as if it were a guardian angel of sorts. I am always able to access it. I consider that card the best part of the gift.
I have tried hard to share this card. Many don't get past the envelope. Some take the envelope and stare at it for days/weeks/months before opening it. I don't share with every one. (I also don't come attached to that card.)
So, that is my world in a nutshell...for today.
My goals for the day?
Thrift store drop off.
More raking in the pasture.
Less time at the computer
More time with the critters.
Ten miles on the bicycle
Piece of cake! (Not to eat, but that does sound good. Perhaps twenty miles on the bike, and eating a piece of cake as a reward.)
Y'all have a great day; and go ahead and open that envelope.
You have me pondering, too, as I head off to redo guardianship papers at the courthouse. I do this every three years, and what do you know, I'm late again. Sigh! The light of reality shines upon my pathway...